Your big beautiful beefy bulwark of badass.

Now everybody is on the run…


…’cause Beltar’s got a gun.  (Sorry, Aerosmith fans.)

Beltar, my poor somewhat-neglected dwarf marksman hunter, like guns.  A lot.  No surprise there, right…after all, he is a dwarf, and he’s been single-spec marksman since day one.  But he’s also not so set in his ways that he’d turn down an upgrade.  So on one of his rare forays into Icecrown Citadel in a 10-man a few months ago, when a Njorndar Bone Bow dropped to replace his beloved rifle from the Big Round Room, The Diplomat, he took it–albeit reluctantly.

When 4.0 dropped, he had enough Justice Points saved up (thanks to a stack of over 240 Badges of Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog) to immediately upgrade to four-piece T10 (one of them ilevel 264, the rest basic ilevel 251).  But obviously, there’s no guns available with badges.  The bow has done him well, but it just didn’t look right to see this old fart who’d been humping a gun of some sort around the Eastern Kingdoms forever throwing his shoulder out of joint to use a bow…not even a crossbow, a stinking elfy bow. As Beltar might say, “dammit, ain’t proper fer a dwarf t’be seen w’a stick an’ a string, ‘cept in emergencies, o’course.”

Well, I was chatting with Rilgon from Stabilized Effort Scope–a guy who lives, breathes, eats, pees, poops, and probably has carnal thoughts about marks huntering when he’s not having them about gnomes–on Twitter a couple days ago, and when I mentioned something about wanting to replace that bow with a gun but being very short on options due to Beltar not having access to any raids on Alliance-side Feathermoon, he suggested that I look at the Wrathful Gladiator’s Rifle.  This is the ilevel 264 version of the season 8 arena reward weapon.  During the arena season, it required an arena rating of 1800 to purchase.  I don’t do arenas, so I hadn’t paid PvP rewards any mind.  Rilgon said that the lower Wrathful items, the ilevel 264 versions, could now be bought with honor only, 2550 points to be precise…this despite the fact that when I checked, they still had a big red blurb on the tooltip that said “requires a personal or team arena rating of 1800.”

Thanks to a stupidly huge number of Stone Keeper’s Shards he’d built up, Beltar had something like 1700 honor saved up.  He needed 2550 for the gun.  And I said to myself five fateful words that I just know I should never say, but I always do it anyway…

“How hard can it be?”

The correct answer is “plenty,” when you’re on the Alliance side in the Cyclone battlegroup (where Horde tend to dominate most battlegrounds except Alterac Valley), and you’re an MM hunter with zero resilience in ilevel 245/251/264 PvE gear, and you have no damn idea how to PvP on a hunter because you’ve got maybe 400 lifetime HKs to start with, and you’ve never even been in Strand of the Ancients or Isle of Conquest.

There’s a word for people like me.  That word is “noob.”

I won my first-ever trip to Isle of Conquest by following my normal AV strategy–find the biggest group of friendlies I can, stay in the middle of them, and shoot stuff with a red tag.  Could be a healer, could be a warrior, could be a water elemental, could be a cat, could be a felguard–doesn’t matter.  Hit “tab” and open up like Rambo with an M60 (including the guttural yelling) on the first thing that I randomly target, that’s how I roll.  (Hey, I said I was bad at this.)  I then stand there and shoot until either it dies or its friends show up, I completely forget where Disengage and Deterrence and all my trap keys are, and I die.

It was, in a word, a painful two days.  With everybody stacking huge resilience, that bow might as well have been shooting Nerf arrows…while with my zero resilience, I was all but two-shotted by mages more than once.  (Seriously, frost mages, wtf.  15k and 11k simultaneous crits?  Daaaamn.)  I was in the first AV I’ve ever seen where the Horde actually out-zerged the Alliance.  Normally, if both sides bumrush to the opposite end of the map without stopping, the Alliance always wins.  Well, that doesn’t work when you get 15 people into Drek’s room, the tank pulls…and nobody heals him, either because there’s no healers there or the healers are all standing around looking at each other saying, “I thought you were going to do it.”  We spawn all the way back at the north end of the map, Horde kill Vandar, gee gee noob, here’s your consolation-prize 15 honor instead of 45 because you were afflicted with teh dumb.

And that chat.  Oh dear sweet zombie Arthas, battleground chat is so stupid it hurts. Especially in AV, when all the amateur Pattons and Rommels get into arguments first about strategy, then about parentage.  “ALL ON O RUSH RUSH RUSH” followed by “NO NEED D AT STONEHEARTH AND BALINDA” followed by “stfu noob, ur mom neds d lol”…do you guys on PvP servers have to put up with this level of dumbass constantly? If you do, my God, I feel for you and can’t believe you can stand it.

The only thing that saved me from giving up on the upgrade was a Feathermoon peculiarity–the Alliance own Lake Wintergrasp probably 95% of the time.  It’s really rather ridiculous.  There are a ton of very good Horde PvPers on Feathermoon, but they just don’t care much about Wintergrasp any more.  So as Alliance, it’s relatively easy to go into a WG, rip out a few quests, tear up the towers, sponge a bit of honor, retain the fort, sponge more honor, and come out with 100-125 quick and easy honor points for very little effort.

So after two days of frustration and idiocy, I finally cracked 2550 honor, and immediately ran to the vendor under Dalaran.  And lo and behold, tooltip be damned, Beltar could buy and equip his new Wrathful Gladiator’s Rifle.  The dwarf had a gun, and all was right with the world.

Now, all it needed was a name.  His old rifle from Karazhan had picked up the name “Black Death.”  So this charming little boomstick, with its huge stock and spikes sticking everywhere, needed a name too.  I thought for a few seconds, and then remembered how generally unpleasant getting it had been, how stupid the chat had been in all the battlegrounds, and how tactically moronic so many of the losing sides had been, and I had my answer.

Say hello…to the Durpinator.

8 responses

  1. And then the best part was that, since the Wrathful Rifle is 3.00 speed, it humiliates your Njorndar in DPS! Woo! :D

    October 25, 2010 at 11:16

  2. Cervidae

    Feathermoon Wintergrasp sounds a lot like Azjol-Nerub Wintergrasp… Alliance were actually attacking for once the other night, and rolled our siege engines into the courtyard to find only NPC’s defending. Then the next night, Horde had 14 stacks of tenacity. I didn’t even know it WENT that high.

    Grats on the new gun!

    October 25, 2010 at 11:36

    • Sar

      I play Horde side on cenarius… and I’d like to say… there is nothing quite as gratifying as going bear in your tank gear in WG with 20 stacks of tenacity… you feel like a raid boss, until your cc’d into oblivion.

      Oh.. and the correct term for someone w/o resil in a bg, is “farmable kill”.

      October 25, 2010 at 13:41

  3. …’cause Beltar’s got a gun. (Sorry, Aerosmith fans.)

    And here I was thinking you were referencing the old 80s novelty tune “The Homecoming Queen’s Got a Gun”. ;-)

    The correct answer is “plenty,” when you’re on the Alliance side in the Cyclone battlegroup (where Horde tend to dominate most battlegrounds except Alterac Valley), and you’re an MM hunter with zero resilience in ilevel 245/251/264 PvE gear, and you have no damn idea how to PvP on a hunter because you’ve got maybe 400 lifetime HKs to start with, and you’ve never even been in Strand of the Ancients or Isle of Conquest.

    I feel your pain. Been there. Oh, I’ve so been there. Hell, I’m still there, given that I haven’t been to IoC yet and I think I’ve had only one win in SoA. Good to see you stuck it out, though.

    October 25, 2010 at 11:40

  4. Sanderth

    I feel your pain on the resilience gear. I feel fortunate that I got my paladin into a respectable amount of Relentless by the time Wrathful gear was out in abundance. Five seasons of arenas have made everyone’s resilience flat-out ludicrous, and anyone not in PvP gear is apt to get slaughtered; I’m sure we’ll see a reset of some kind in Cataclysm. This seems like one of those cyclic things.

    Battlegrounds are… It really depends on the group. I’ve had plenty of bad ones, which is unfortunate, since people actually do seem perfectly capable once they communicate. I’d even venture to say the greatest problem encountered is the unwillingness to work together or tendency to outright bicker with each other.

    October 26, 2010 at 00:06

  5. I had to look twice at the screen; that is a very evil looking gun. Congrats.

    October 26, 2010 at 03:24

  6. I like your gun … my hunter likes your gun, my mom likes your gun … i need it.

    October 31, 2010 at 13:27

  7. Connie

    And the gun ejects spent shells!

    November 3, 2010 at 15:29

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